Guess what

As reference to my previous posts, i guess i'm here even when i'm not ready after all.

but, i do miss home

but, i'm tired of standing alone

My feet, i can feel them wobbling, my shoulders, cracking under the weight of expectations. Foolish optimism & unrealistic hopefulness is all i have with me, and they are my pills that i swallow each night just so i can see the sun rise next day.

I can do it, i will survive. can i?

When what if seems all to real for comfort

Today the question came, what if i relocate to another country for work?


Am I ready?


- I couldn't answer that question.

There are days, where we just remember things.



Funny isn't it?

And still, I wonder

am i on the right path?
there is more to life, i know. But as of now, am i at the right junction?

Life and its infinite, unfathomable mysteries.

Dreams

I never thought i'll be back here.

But i guess, an eventuality of life is we need somewhere to leave our thoughts.

I've always dreamt of:

Seeing more of this world
Join an expedition to the north pole
Join the crew of the king crab fishers
Be a war journalist
Be so rich that i can end poverty 
Lead my country back to what it once was
Quit my job, get the next plane ticket to new zealand and pluck apples for 6 months and have a simple lifestyle
To love, love so deep that the depth of the ocean could not compare
Be a teacher
Seeing my students be great man that would make the world a better place
Be a father
Seeing my children being people that would make this world a better place
Seeing my children deeply in love
Seeing my grandkids deeply in love
To see the next generation fare better than mine
And to see the next generation after the next fare even better
To attend my own funeral and to hear the eulogies for me
To be a pastor
To help mend broken families

I am just a man. A man with too many things in mind.
Dear whitespace, im not quite sure when will i return. I rarely have time for my thoughts now, i dont feel myself now, i feel like a shadown of who i used to be. The me now is someone that i need to be, someone that speaks what i need to speak.

I guess i only dare to re-open this box at this late night. Now it i need to seal it once more. Responsibility still takes lead. And perhaps, once upon another late night, i'll leave my thoughts. For the night belongs to the poets and madmen..

Point of difference

Have you experience that moment, where you're ready and willing to give it all up, not that, but you already have nothing left to give up, where you find that moving on and fighting on is no longer something worth it, that you don't see it and your belief waver, where you start to doubt and thoughts of this is just another cycle and things will always.remain.the.same. Where it is at that point, things somehow just starts to fall into place naturally, and keeps you going. Thank you God, for keeping me going.

The silence lasted for days. And, the traveler waited. Perhaps, he hoped, perhaps the author will finish the story promptly. But finally, when the author spoke, He whispered, not yet. I'm not done with your character yet.

And the traveler weary and spent, he asks for this journey to be halted. He pleaded with the Author, be done with writing this story and move on to another.

And there was silence.

Resistance

Dear idealist, perhaps now its time to lay down those arms. Perhaps now its time to reconsider, is it really worth fighting for. Perhaps its time to ask, are we the waiting?

The strain is just too much.

I know i loved. and that I loved fully, deeply, quietly. but now, the end of the road is here. I sincerely regret for allowing myself to be hurt. I no longer can spare such capacity, i need to direct my energy else where. Where it is more meaningful, where it would do the world more good. Dear rabbit, if only i could summon an ounce more of strength i will still keep the race going. But for this race, i just think i couldnt complete it.

Dear God,

it hurts. And i want to hide myself from this.

I dislike that life no longer has an option for me to recede or disappear.

Dear God,

I feel lost. I feel uncertain. That of which i was surefooted on solid ground before felt like waters now. God, lead me, where my feet may fail.

Stars

I would like to bring you out of town someday, where we would gaze at the untainted night sky, at the stars, and talk. About our fears, our dreams, our crimes, our secrets and about God

Whoever you will be. Someday.

Rest

Dear God, I desperately need it. May i not think about life for a moment? May i take a break from making deliberate steps to fulfill goals? May i, for this moment in time, let go of all things, and just live?

Convictions

Perhaps someday or tomorrow i am called to abandon it all and follow my convictions. Perhaps. You know those prayers where you made "God, I'll do anything for You" ? God takes it seriously. As said. Be careful on what you pray for.

God, give me wisdom. Wisdom to say the right prayers, wisdom to know words that pleases You, actions that glorifies you. Wisdom, to know what I should wait for.

The Haunting

"Jangan benarkan apa yang menghantuimu, menghalangmu." - Ps.Kenneth, 2014

To be honest, the past is in many ways, scary. Many times i look back, i cringe, teared, ached of what could've and what shouldn't have. Many times I blame myself for allowing things to take place, to avail myself to be hurt, to let those walls down. Some of those times, the pain still echoes.

I have a very bad experience with relationships. One that has cause me to have a great amount of distrust and speculation of the opposite. One that had imprinted in me that they are all the same.

Yet every time, i'll still cautiously let down the wall a little, to have a peek, to have snippets to small talks. I'm at a point now where i've gone pass the safety zone, where if things swayed, like it or not i'll get hurt. Frankly, it's terrifying. It's terribly scary. "No one falls in love without being a little brave"

The past is haunting me, hounding me that she is the same as the rest. That she play games.That she is a trickster. But i should not make up conclusions. The past serves as a lesson, to be cautious, to ready myself for the dreams, miracles and possibilities of the future. I should teach me to be cautious, and not fearful. It should teach me to be wise, not paranoid. It should make me, a better man.

Silent flames

I do not believe in the mediocre. I believe deep down, everyone, has a flame, has a stand for something. Anything. I believe for a fact, that locked up in the depths of caverns is a burning desire to see something changed, to fight, to stand for a certain cause. I believe, each of us, as humans with average consciousness will have this deep hidden fire stored up inside.I believe, that many chose this way of living, because they are either too caught up with or have accepted and come to terms that those cavern flames are just tales and bedtime stories.

Yet i'm afraid. That i have grown comfortable with mediocracity. That I have come to accept and come to create an illusion for myself that I may sleep soundly knowing that purpose and causes are overrated. I'm afraid, i am starting to replace my goals with material goals, to supplement the purpose that I am desperately clinging on to get up from bed each morning. The unspoken, un-understood tug of war of the quiet idealistic 20s face each day. 




Convictions.

Yet, what do you do, when yours is beyond your reach? When yours, could very much consume your lifetime? When you know, if you follow through down this road, you will be burning many bridges to build just one bridge? What do you do? How do you even weigh your options? How do you explain to people and even come to terms to yourself if you make this decision? My time has not yet come for this decision perhaps, but once more, could i drink from this cup?

We don't serve God by our preference. We do not say  "God, I'm willing to drink this cup, but i prefer white coffee to black" Does a servant tell the master what work he prefers to do? No. We're called to serve, and to do well with what little is given to us. 

Probably a tough month ahead. Ending December with a literal bang i suppose.

Martian and Venusian

I once heard, men are from mars, and women are from venus (or was it the other way around?)

Give me a math equation, I will figure it out. Give me physics, i'll decipher it. Raise a mountain, i'll climb it, slowly but surely. But to understand someone from venus, it still puzzles me. Greatly. But then, i guess as time moves on pieces of it are forming.

I dislike unpredictable, inconclusive outcomes. I plan and make estimations to disallow life to surprise me. I prefer having a game plan knowing my calculated risk, and knowing what i would loose. But, as i just begin to understand, somethings cant be overly planned. Some outcomes cant be predicted.

An adventure is never one without a little uncertainty.

Pack those bags, I'm going to have much weight to carry, Ready the heart, it might be wounded along the way, Forgive, thyself and those before, and know that the past are a reason for a better tomorrow.

Dear God,

what i'm doing, what i'm desiring now. Does it pleases you? Is it Your will?

Little things

The few little surprises over the weekend that made it one of the best weekend i have in a long time. Thank you God, i probably really needed this.

Dear God,

"Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit" says the Lord Almighty. Zechariah 4:6

I'm holding on to You, because I'm not even quite sure what I am doing.