Stars

I would like to bring you out of town someday, where we would gaze at the untainted night sky, at the stars, and talk. About our fears, our dreams, our crimes, our secrets and about God

Whoever you will be. Someday.

Rest

Dear God, I desperately need it. May i not think about life for a moment? May i take a break from making deliberate steps to fulfill goals? May i, for this moment in time, let go of all things, and just live?

Convictions

Perhaps someday or tomorrow i am called to abandon it all and follow my convictions. Perhaps. You know those prayers where you made "God, I'll do anything for You" ? God takes it seriously. As said. Be careful on what you pray for.

God, give me wisdom. Wisdom to say the right prayers, wisdom to know words that pleases You, actions that glorifies you. Wisdom, to know what I should wait for.

The Haunting

"Jangan benarkan apa yang menghantuimu, menghalangmu." - Ps.Kenneth, 2014

To be honest, the past is in many ways, scary. Many times i look back, i cringe, teared, ached of what could've and what shouldn't have. Many times I blame myself for allowing things to take place, to avail myself to be hurt, to let those walls down. Some of those times, the pain still echoes.

I have a very bad experience with relationships. One that has cause me to have a great amount of distrust and speculation of the opposite. One that had imprinted in me that they are all the same.

Yet every time, i'll still cautiously let down the wall a little, to have a peek, to have snippets to small talks. I'm at a point now where i've gone pass the safety zone, where if things swayed, like it or not i'll get hurt. Frankly, it's terrifying. It's terribly scary. "No one falls in love without being a little brave"

The past is haunting me, hounding me that she is the same as the rest. That she play games.That she is a trickster. But i should not make up conclusions. The past serves as a lesson, to be cautious, to ready myself for the dreams, miracles and possibilities of the future. I should teach me to be cautious, and not fearful. It should teach me to be wise, not paranoid. It should make me, a better man.

Silent flames

I do not believe in the mediocre. I believe deep down, everyone, has a flame, has a stand for something. Anything. I believe for a fact, that locked up in the depths of caverns is a burning desire to see something changed, to fight, to stand for a certain cause. I believe, each of us, as humans with average consciousness will have this deep hidden fire stored up inside.I believe, that many chose this way of living, because they are either too caught up with or have accepted and come to terms that those cavern flames are just tales and bedtime stories.

Yet i'm afraid. That i have grown comfortable with mediocracity. That I have come to accept and come to create an illusion for myself that I may sleep soundly knowing that purpose and causes are overrated. I'm afraid, i am starting to replace my goals with material goals, to supplement the purpose that I am desperately clinging on to get up from bed each morning. The unspoken, un-understood tug of war of the quiet idealistic 20s face each day. 




Convictions.

Yet, what do you do, when yours is beyond your reach? When yours, could very much consume your lifetime? When you know, if you follow through down this road, you will be burning many bridges to build just one bridge? What do you do? How do you even weigh your options? How do you explain to people and even come to terms to yourself if you make this decision? My time has not yet come for this decision perhaps, but once more, could i drink from this cup?

We don't serve God by our preference. We do not say  "God, I'm willing to drink this cup, but i prefer white coffee to black" Does a servant tell the master what work he prefers to do? No. We're called to serve, and to do well with what little is given to us. 

Probably a tough month ahead. Ending December with a literal bang i suppose.