Freedom does things

Seems like i blog more this month than the rest of the year combined. Freedom huh.

so we plead for night, and the sun keeps on spilling light.

there’s a fine line, a fine line in between
our progress and our instability.
we can’t help ourselves but hunt for more.
a design flaw? or the olive branch that proves the shore-
the catalyst we’ve waited for.

I guess, sometimes I still struggle between what I want and what I need to do. Again, I would pray, direct my steps God, sometimes even I laugh at my own plans. My foolishness is monumental sometimes.

Being completely free for the first time in 4 months has revealed to me that I have withdrawal syndrome. Not me alone apparently, 2 or 3 of my classmates are feeling the same thing. I'm feeling restless a little doing nothing, having a hard time sleeping cause my bio clock is screwed beyond description. And now the question that pops up to me, "what next?". Its like a subtle whisper that hounds on you louder that thunder.
Still. Its not all shady grey though. So glad that I made it to one of my dream companies. Never in my right mind that I would think that I could make it in. Never.

Sincerely , Thank the Almighty.

Yes,

Microsoft.

I'm caught in Your grace indeed and Your unfailing love.

Should I

stumble again, i'm caught in your grace.

but

help me, Lord, not to hurt you anymore.
Grant me wisdom to discern, strength to endure and the will to overcome. 



I believe, as of now, as clear as I could make up my head to be, I am not normal. I don't feel like I know myself anymore. I feel like i'm a different person put together.

Dear Charlie,

why are you always attracted by the impossible.

Heed the whispers of the wise man, the phrases of logic from the roof.
the heart is a witty trickster, she is a temptress, a queen of disappointment.

But, regardless.

Jumping on

Somehow the next step is filled with excitement and at the same time fear. I fear of the new things I have to take up, the new form of rejection i have to brave, new responsibilities i have shelter and the relationships which i have to let go and the new ones i have to forge. I have no idea how I am facing this, and i felt like I am facing this alone.

It's worth it

a month of questioning, laboring, sacrifices. A month of inconsistent rest, roller coaster ride of stress and burden.

Seeing those hands raised that night, last night. I stood there, teared up a little, and told God, "Dear God, this is worth it, this is so worth it".

yet i realized, weirdly.

It is also a month of me drawing closer to God, me prying a little deeper into knowing God, also a month, of me practicing "lean not on your own understanding but rely on God".

I could not have believed all this is possible, I just could not, but it did. And I shall say, Praise God.