And still, I wonder

am i on the right path?
there is more to life, i know. But as of now, am i at the right junction?

Life and its infinite, unfathomable mysteries.

Dreams

I never thought i'll be back here.

But i guess, an eventuality of life is we need somewhere to leave our thoughts.

I've always dreamt of:

Seeing more of this world
Join an expedition to the north pole
Join the crew of the king crab fishers
Be a war journalist
Be so rich that i can end poverty 
Lead my country back to what it once was
Quit my job, get the next plane ticket to new zealand and pluck apples for 6 months and have a simple lifestyle
To love, love so deep that the depth of the ocean could not compare
Be a teacher
Seeing my students be great man that would make the world a better place
Be a father
Seeing my children being people that would make this world a better place
Seeing my children deeply in love
Seeing my grandkids deeply in love
To see the next generation fare better than mine
And to see the next generation after the next fare even better
To attend my own funeral and to hear the eulogies for me
To be a pastor
To help mend broken families

I am just a man. A man with too many things in mind.
Dear whitespace, im not quite sure when will i return. I rarely have time for my thoughts now, i dont feel myself now, i feel like a shadown of who i used to be. The me now is someone that i need to be, someone that speaks what i need to speak.

I guess i only dare to re-open this box at this late night. Now it i need to seal it once more. Responsibility still takes lead. And perhaps, once upon another late night, i'll leave my thoughts. For the night belongs to the poets and madmen..

Point of difference

Have you experience that moment, where you're ready and willing to give it all up, not that, but you already have nothing left to give up, where you find that moving on and fighting on is no longer something worth it, that you don't see it and your belief waver, where you start to doubt and thoughts of this is just another cycle and things will always.remain.the.same. Where it is at that point, things somehow just starts to fall into place naturally, and keeps you going. Thank you God, for keeping me going.

The silence lasted for days. And, the traveler waited. Perhaps, he hoped, perhaps the author will finish the story promptly. But finally, when the author spoke, He whispered, not yet. I'm not done with your character yet.

And the traveler weary and spent, he asks for this journey to be halted. He pleaded with the Author, be done with writing this story and move on to another.

And there was silence.

Resistance

Dear idealist, perhaps now its time to lay down those arms. Perhaps now its time to reconsider, is it really worth fighting for. Perhaps its time to ask, are we the waiting?

The strain is just too much.

I know i loved. and that I loved fully, deeply, quietly. but now, the end of the road is here. I sincerely regret for allowing myself to be hurt. I no longer can spare such capacity, i need to direct my energy else where. Where it is more meaningful, where it would do the world more good. Dear rabbit, if only i could summon an ounce more of strength i will still keep the race going. But for this race, i just think i couldnt complete it.

Dear God,

it hurts. And i want to hide myself from this.

I dislike that life no longer has an option for me to recede or disappear.

Dear God,

I feel lost. I feel uncertain. That of which i was surefooted on solid ground before felt like waters now. God, lead me, where my feet may fail.