Lies

I could do so
who I am, what I am, what I want, what I need, my ambitions, my plans, my deepest desires, myself.

but not my convictions. My convictions cant lie, they ought to speak for itself someday.

Moonriver

wider than a mile, i'm crossing you in style,

someday.
in a far distant future.

Tread

I ought to take them more lightly as well.

To the ends of the earth it is then?

My steps

I ought to take them more carefully, more wisely.

Kneeling in church today was a humbling experience. It reminds me, that truly, I have nothing without God. I felt a renew sense of conviction. For this weary world, for the lost, for the unloved, for the unfairly treated, for the so much unfairness this world has bottled up. Such big change, yet so powerless.

I've been telling God in my prayers, I want to walk to the ends of the earth. Yet sometimes, walking over to a stranger and greeting them, or flyering to them summons more courage and strength than scaling the roof of the earth. I am not accepting that I am someone with these limitations,  I believe now that God can empower us to overcome all these. But this is still an uncomfort zone that sometimes terrifies me.

Yet i'm afraid. I'm afraid what I want to do, what I'm trying to do, or perhaps even plan to do, are right but for the wrong reasons. I'm afraid that I am motivated wrongly. I am afraid, I would hurt God.

I feel like I am digging into this rabbit hole, this hole which my right mind told me that there wont be  an end yet I am still digging into it, deeper and deeper, day by day, hands are digging but my mind is screaming to myself that this is unwise, this is wrong, my heart however screams back that it might be just because I am too cowardly, that bad experiences had left me from believing. I just want to see if there is any possible chance of finding something. A relic perhaps. But I never thought I am interested in the relic in the first place, I could not even explain why. I tried to rationalize things. But it felt like i'm giving excuses.

Lastly, I'm afraid where finally life moves on where I would have to bid goodbye. Sometimes i wish I have fleeting memories, it makes things so much easier, so much less valuable. So.Much.Less.Lettinggo. Cause i'll definitely miss those moments. The awkward, the cheeky, the weird, the beautiful, the happy, but above all else, how at peace I am, how my pace would stop by half, how although my heart is racing around, I still could feel peace of mind, peace of soul, around you, how your voice, so subtle, yet so loud and profound, so silent, yet calms the greatest oceans. And how I am motivated to be a better man, to be twice of who I am.

It's just a rant. Words stringed together cause it seems right, cause I deemed it fit. So much grammar mistakes summore.

But God, My loss has shown me that all I truly have is You. Cause it is just so.

Beneath the Silver Moon

with Matthe Perryman Jones.

and here I am, beneath it, wide awake, thinking, pondering, what is it like? how does it feels like? will it happen someday? if so, how much have I changed? if so, am I a better man that I am today? Am i twice the man I am today? Most of all, am I still James then?

One of those nights where nights where you strap your imagination to a treadmill and make it run. Or strap it on a pair of wings and slingshot it to the stars. I guess.

I'm just glad I got my appetite back today. THERE IS NO STOPPING ME NOW IPOH. I am going to eat EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.

and 20laps!

Oceans

where my feet may fail.

You called me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where my feet may fail.

The journey of being the chairperson of CF is nothing short of a miracle. Sure, it sounds glamorous, and sounds like i'm someone on the top, or someone ready for all those challenges. Yet, truth to be told, I think God has to drag me out pulling and screaming. When I was called on, I did not felt ready at all, neither in my right mind, did I ever thought of taking up that post in the first place. It was nothing that I've planned for. Funny they say, wanna make God laugh? tell Him your plans. The only 2 reasons that I've willingly took it up was because 1. No one else was there and 2. Conviction. Just days before I am to give my answer, which was initially a 'No', i forgot what was it, but i just remember this feeling. This feeling of conviction, this feeling of compassion, to take up this opportunity, to do more and to start something that can change this campus. I would also advice you people to be caution on what you tell God, cause HE HEARS. Early last year, I told God, "God, I wanna come back to you, God, I wanna pursue my calling once more, God, whatever you called me this year, I.Will.Say.Yes." This costs me on of the toughest, craziest, sanity consuming months that follows. Yet. Rewarding.

I would be lying if I said there aren't any teeth grinding pains, teary nights or just days of anxiousness. Beginning of my term, my closest friend in University have to leave for internship, I was stranded alone, having to juggle between organizing a camp and breaking into the Chairperson posts, also have to deal with an unforeseen passing of a dear relative. Till today, I never knew what kept me sane or going in that period, I honestly believe it was by God's grace. Blood, sweat and tears. It all flowed. There was one point as well, I got angry, and I wanted to give up. I asked God, "God, why? Why only I have to give so much? Why do I have to sacrifice all these? All these which I wanted? Which I desired?" Yet God always promptly answered that its not about me and promptly led me to confess of such thoughts.

Months went by, and I love CF. Everyone there is like a family to me. The ones I enjoy their jokes, the ones where I enjoy their wisdom, and even those that irritates me. They're like a family to me and I start to feel very protective of them. However, there was a point in the 2nd semester where I felt that the committees are detached, where they are only there to do their job, and leave. I remember calling a meeting, and pointing this out, and telling them, I do not know what to do, I am not a good leader in this, what am i suppose to do? Things ended on a good mark that night, each of us held hands, and prayed. I swallowed my tears and I pray and hope there was change. Later on, there was a turn around in the committees near the end of the 2nd semester and a full change in them in the beginning of our final semester. In all honesty, I was so encouraged by them that it drove me further. They kept me going on as well. Even though I've seldom mentioned this to them.

Indonesia was definitely crazy and fun. We were almost the first batch among many to travel to so far for a retreat. It also bonded us closer more than before. During the retreat, a vision was conceived. We were going to go big on easter. We are going to look more outward this semester. For the first time, I am doing what I am convicted before I accepted this post. The following months was another round of insanity, whereby as I believed, I only got through only by the grace of God. Earlier that year, a sister shared a testimony to me, where it ended with a quote "Greater is a fool for Christ than one who is not". Without fail, the following months ahead, i was bombarded with doubts, discouragements. Classmates says that I am crazy for being so involved. Plus, my lack of time management also starts to strain me and my studies. There was a point, my supervisor for my FYP asked me, "Is this all worth it? All this you're working for, is it worth it?" Honest speaking, that moment, I kept quite, holding back tears, not tears of disappointment, but tears knowing the fact that I could not see that is worth it as well, tears that I am agreeing with a non-christian that I am a fool. But in those deep and darkest moment, God has a way of bringing you out of it. Without asking sometimes. I did not ask God, that day. I walked out. Very quietly, went to my car. I was slightly angry at God to be honest. or more like frustrated. Still, that day I met someone(family) and long story short, at the end of the day, by God's grace, it was the most encouraging day.

2 weeks later, the Easter event happened. That day was unlike any other. I do not know how to put it into words, but i was beautiful. The people working together, everyone praying together, agreeing in unison, sharing the same purpose, vision. It was beautiful. One program after another passed, and at the end of the day, during the salvation call, I was behind, I held my breath, I looked. One by one, people raised their hands. One by one, people even came out.

I stood. Clenched my hands. I teared.  I told God, "God, this is so worth it" "God, I can do this again" "God, thank you, God, thank you, God, thank you"

I know that I can't do all this. I know that It is all God. I know now, why do we need to move out of our comfort zone. I understood what faith means. It was an encounter with God, on a personal level.

What follows for the rest of the semester was everything coming together. My results were decent, somehow. I still could not explain it. My supervisors are okay with my FYP. And I even landed an internship with Microsoft. Which i could not understand how either.

Whoever will read this, Whoever that saw this, you are not suppose to be here in the first place, HAHA. But be mindful. Our God is faithful, and all things comes together for good, FOR THOSE WHO LOVES HIM AND OBEY HIM.

This journey changed me. For the good. It's not easy, but the molding process is never easy.
"Fire is the test of gold; adversity, of strong men"Jesus encountered temptation when He was fasting in the desert, and after He overcame it, angels ministered to Him. Sometimes, an encounter with God, demands desperation, demands hardships. This has been one of the most cancerous, toughest, sanity consuming journey to date, however, it is one of the happiest, rewarding, satisfying, life changing journey i've ever traveled. Great change comes with extremes. And hence, if you read this, I encourage you, the 1st right step is getting out of your comfort zone. Trust me on that.


God bless.

Saltwateroom

It's been nearly 6 months since.

There are times where you won't miss that person, just that feeling when you're in that moment.