My steps

I ought to take them more carefully, more wisely.

Kneeling in church today was a humbling experience. It reminds me, that truly, I have nothing without God. I felt a renew sense of conviction. For this weary world, for the lost, for the unloved, for the unfairly treated, for the so much unfairness this world has bottled up. Such big change, yet so powerless.

I've been telling God in my prayers, I want to walk to the ends of the earth. Yet sometimes, walking over to a stranger and greeting them, or flyering to them summons more courage and strength than scaling the roof of the earth. I am not accepting that I am someone with these limitations,  I believe now that God can empower us to overcome all these. But this is still an uncomfort zone that sometimes terrifies me.

Yet i'm afraid. I'm afraid what I want to do, what I'm trying to do, or perhaps even plan to do, are right but for the wrong reasons. I'm afraid that I am motivated wrongly. I am afraid, I would hurt God.

I feel like I am digging into this rabbit hole, this hole which my right mind told me that there wont be  an end yet I am still digging into it, deeper and deeper, day by day, hands are digging but my mind is screaming to myself that this is unwise, this is wrong, my heart however screams back that it might be just because I am too cowardly, that bad experiences had left me from believing. I just want to see if there is any possible chance of finding something. A relic perhaps. But I never thought I am interested in the relic in the first place, I could not even explain why. I tried to rationalize things. But it felt like i'm giving excuses.

Lastly, I'm afraid where finally life moves on where I would have to bid goodbye. Sometimes i wish I have fleeting memories, it makes things so much easier, so much less valuable. So.Much.Less.Lettinggo. Cause i'll definitely miss those moments. The awkward, the cheeky, the weird, the beautiful, the happy, but above all else, how at peace I am, how my pace would stop by half, how although my heart is racing around, I still could feel peace of mind, peace of soul, around you, how your voice, so subtle, yet so loud and profound, so silent, yet calms the greatest oceans. And how I am motivated to be a better man, to be twice of who I am.

It's just a rant. Words stringed together cause it seems right, cause I deemed it fit. So much grammar mistakes summore.

But God, My loss has shown me that all I truly have is You. Cause it is just so.