Cause

I prayed. And if it should be then it will be. I have no qualms of it. I will take this differently this time.

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now"

God, I pray for nothing but that You'll be with me.

Dear God,

I miss her. And I'm afraid I will miss her for many nights to come.

Attenuated

“My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations.”
― John Green

So true. So true.

So I do read. And I do appreciate writings. The more I know about myself. Shocking. Really.

June-s

There is this weird re-occurrence that June is usually the most challenging or the most down of the month for me. It's just that most years, things bound to pop up during this time and I've have to deal with it.

Just saying. These are just words of a guy been spending time with himself mostly for a week. A goodness it is so satisfying. Time to myself, time to have deepthoughts, time to be lost in thinking about all the possible future, time to think about all the past were it to happen differently. Time to align, what is important as well.

"What a slut time is. She screws everybody"

Soliloquies

Many of them when i'm in solitary mode. Words for, words to and words about.

There is so much hate in this world, so much grief, so much bitterness, and so much pain. Those with the capacity to do regardless, should whisper dandelions and lilies to it.

Epilogues

there are so many of them in life. Those little moments before you jump head over heels into a new phase.

Intern starts in a few days, Singapore in a week plus.

I'll be spending my birthday, leaving Malaysia. Perhaps symbolically, this means something, that i have to leave the past behind. Perhaps I need to deny myself all those for all that would be. Or perhaps I am just thinking too much, trying to find significance in the chaos of coincidence.

It's not all that bad i guess. There won't be any anticipation to see what would happen, there won't need to be awkward possible surprises that friends make last minute just cause it is the social protocol. My birthday would be spent on going new places, experiencing new things, jumping into the literal unknown. Probably it is the best way to start of my new phase of life.


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And the strength to endure. Please.

Weekends

Occasionally, they made me understood or perhaps remember what God is doing, going to do and wants to do. Revo weekend has reminded me of the importance of surrendering to God, the importance of giving everything to God, even my dreams, my ambitions, my plans, and reluctantly sometimes, my deepest desires. But I surrender all, regardless.

I'm at peace cause all things work together for good for those who love Him and is called according to His purpose.

Goodbyes

I honestly do not know how to bid goodbye to the rabbit. I've been so deep in the rabbit hole that by the time i realized its already gonna be a hard climb out. 2 weeks plus to goodbyes. I wonder do you know that we'll probably 'see you when i see you' and probably be distant strangers. I'll probably remember you longer and more, and I'll probably just fade in your mind. I have my dreams to chase, career to build, calling to answer. If i only I can elope away with you.

But its not right.

I would always pray, God take away wrong desires, or desires that does not align with Your will.


Ahhh, empty shenanigans when you're too free and your mind wander. TIME TO FLICK.

And

I'll meet your eyes, for the every first time, for the very last.

It has been a year since. I couldn't forget that morning that we speed to the hospital from Ipoh to KL. I still couldn't forget how tightly you clenched my hands. I still couldn't forget.

I hate hospitals.

Chinese New Year has been rather quiet this year, you were the life of the family, the one that could break the silence and age gap. Probably the whole family is still missing you. And you'll always be sorely missed. Dear Aunt.