Better

I'm trying. I'm honestly trying to be better. It's so tiring. But I am still fighting on.

Dear idealist

where art thou?

Perhaps I'm disappointed recently is in part due to that i did not do things i wanted to do before i enter the system. Perhaps.

I wanted to backpack travel to a foreign country once,
I wanted to camp, and stargaze, and sleep under the stars,
I wanted to volunteer, to help the unfortunate,
I wanted to start a project, any project, be it 100 days of happiness or some shit. And finish it.

I did nothing of this.
And i am honestly quite disappointed at myself. So eagerly hop into employment. Still, I am entering into employment at my free will, at my own desire. And i realize i have conflicting desires.

Perhaps I just need a little time to let this sink in, that I am, in fact, a working young adult now.
Funny isn't it? That now I'm at this stage where I honestly don't want to grow up.
There is so much room to think about that I realize my mind could not cover all the tracks, that at this point of time, for the first time of my life, i do have an end game plan, i do not have everything figured out. I can't figure everything out.


Perhaps, its time to faithfully have faith God will see me through this period.
Perhaps, this is another new phase which i dread.
or I am just tired and I am ranting.

Geronimo & leaps

Sometimes I think too much. Too far ahead. Included too much possibilities.

All in an effort to anticipate whats next. I suppose this was grown from me playing chess in early child hood. I always try to imagine all the possible outcomes but to be still be caught off guard most of the time in the end.

I guess for this time, let's yell geronimo and take the plunge in the great unknown.

"Adventure awaits!"

Decisions

The decision which I am to take now, has to be out of personal conviction. Not because a book said so, not because some one said its the right way. But its out of my own conviction.

I have to take this step. I got myself into it the first place and now I have to get myself out. For my own sake. For the sake of the people i am going to meet in the future. For so much more.

All this for the greater good. No regrets. I'd need time to get over it. Probably I'll mourn and probably i'll have to bury this deep into the ground. But no regrets.

For the greater good.

And? well, the earth, laughs in flowers.

Do you know laugh is contagious? I've observed on this subject so much that I have my own conclusions up my own back of my head.

It's funny. That I am progressing in life but I am struggling to make decisions. Crossroads that you're coming across and the position you're in where you have to be very independent.

I guess this is part of growing up? God, i'm committing everything to you. I've given up on making my own way. I'll plan, but with an attitude of surrenderrance, knowing and willing to let You change as You see fit. And dear rabbit. That includes you. You gotta go.

Perhaps till time is right. Or perhaps finally when something else.

"we're always so caught up with our own problems that we forgot the ultimate purpose, and the higher calling"

Openings

Apparently a contract staff position opened. Should i?