Most days

I'm begging for peace
The tension is mounting
The madness is getting to me

Love I will never be still
I'll always be restless
I'll always have something to fill

an addictive song with weird abstract lyrics and sort of repetitive beats but in my preference catchy. No one will know by Fort Atlantic. Got to know their band by watching HIMYM.

and I think, rarely this happens, but I am tired of playing. In any case, beats being tired of studying.

Redemption

Sometimes I felt like we're just fools, struggling to redeem from the mistakes of our past. Guess we were young and foolish indeed. Or, I was young and foolish more. 

 

and this is how i woke myself up on the last day of my exam.


Heh. Merry Christmas people.

On another note

It is semester break!

And now, I shall procrastinate, sleep, eat, roll on my bed and just procrastinate more to my heart content.

Actually, no, time to scratch the resolution list this time, like for real. Don't wanna end up leaving this sembreak feeling like i achieved nothing at all. But, motivation 101 anyone?


P/s: So much for abandoning this site.
P/s/s: aaaanddddd. Actually thinking of writing an actual post, not these tweet like craps.

Let me tell you a story

Long long time ago, in a land far far away named Nilai, there was James, and he is procrastinating.

The End.



P/s: Yes, I just decided to break the silence with a monumental lame fairytale. And now, the silence ensues.

The fact is though

I still miss writing once in awhile. Where thoughts clogs up my mind and I just need to write it out to either break it down and figure it out or piece it together to understand it.

Not so the end now, are we?

The End, Maybe

Title says it all. Guess I've out grown the need to blog. Yet, there is still lingering feelings that I wish not delete all these chapters of my life.

It is irrelevant anyways since the visitors are now mostly strangers, hence this place will remain silent again, till I decide to come back and do additional ranting.

Meaning?

I'm looking for one. I don't want the cycle to return. Neither do I want to give up. Guess I just need a direction.

Take Two

and not it's my 1st semester break of my second year. Time sure flies fast.

Anyways time to live some life. Adios.

and feel like i am talking to myself over here. Damn.

Finals? Don't seem so.

Seriously thou, no idea why am I not as stressed out as I was on other finals. For this time, I am just steady and cool about it. Even today's paper, I need at least 50marks to pass it, and I am still quite chill about it. Weird. And my next paper should be a breeze, decent coursework marks and a quite simple subject. This finals don't seem like finals. 

Anyways, few friends are gonna be heading Ipoh after finals are done, and then will most likely be heading to Pulau Perhentian. It's sort of an one of a lifetime chance since rarely get to go to places like these. Anyways, hope it will be a photographer paradise there.

A brother which from different parents is back from America too! Well gonna be a quite happening sembreak I guess :D

Then it hits me

it hits me that I've lost tracked. All these problems are just so damn minor. There is more troubling matters to think about.

Typed this post using my house's living room 40 inch widescreen. 

AWWW YEEEEEAAAAAA :D

Experience

It had thought me very well that people can seldom solve your problems. Sure, talking about it might make you feel better. But it still lingers.

Logically conclude, since it can't be solve, there is no need to talk about it. I'll find my way home by myself. Like i always had.

Moving on 101

It comes a time where I now listen. Not to my intuition but my mind, my thoughts. To be honest, it is very hard, rejecting yourself one of the things you wanted most. Taking action will have no good results. Perhaps i am pessimistic, however, even if the reaction to my action is positive, I don't see a good outcome.

If only there is a guide book or proper steps to move on from something you have feelings for. Anything, people, materials, situations. Right now, I am just compensating with self imposed tiredness and weirdly, pick ups.

No, my mind shall rule from now on.

P/s: Perhaps there is indeed an expiry date to my blog.

Snapped

nearly. I nearly came close to snapping and burn everything I see today. Maybe i am in a bad mood, maybe i am tired, I don't know. But I am on the brink of just exploding in a million pieces.

Sigh, God give me strength and patience to deal with these shits.

Actually I do.

But I feel like going to a cliff with echoes, and yell my heart out 'I don't give a fuck'.

But I do, so so much. The irony.

Pardon my bad language.

Grow up, it's time to.

As said. Perhaps its time to pack up and start walking. Time to grow up and stop pretending who i am not.

Perhaps, I will change now.

Away away away

Where dreams was once made of sea water and soft sands.

And yes, My very 1st proper picture of a bird. And it's a Hornbill.
 

Mays, or Maybes.

As a new month sets in, guess I am on different grounds now. Officially, I am into my 2nd year of studies. Time sure pass by fast.

I am quite distressed at the moment. Filled with anxiety and insecurities. Sem Break always gave me loads of time to think. But maybe I've been thinking too much. I've been planning too much for the future, and for that I've jeopardize my experience of the present.

I wish to be a child again sometimes, without a world to face but just the embrace of my parents. I wish to be as naive as a kid again, I would do better without those blardy two faced bitches and sons of bitches. But time has always been true and unkind. It never lies and it never waits.

I am gonna start letting things go. Let things just ride by it's own. I've been holding on to ideologies and concepts to the point of being dogmatic. It's hard, but it's time to open up my mind. I might go back to being my old self, but they said admitting is the 1st step of change.

There's always a child in us.

Yes. I screwed up. I made things complicated. Perhaps I am too blinded by what I wanted to fully realize whats best for everyone. Perhaps, I was at that heat of the moment, selfish. Perhaps, that wasn't even the right one at all.

I'll wait. By faith I believe, someday when the time is right, things will fall into it's place.

Bumped on this song when i was going through Joel's song collection.

Conversation with the Stars by Brightwood

My love, I'll wait for you
Will you wait for me?
Mmm-mmm-mmm

For now, I'll make believe
I'm a knight, riding to your castle
Mmm-mmm-mmm

I'm almost there

I went to a hillside
Laid down with the stars
I heard a cricket's love song
But nothing of you

Laid awake countless nights thinking
What you might be like
Out of an ocean of faces
Have I met your eyes?

Roof Party.

Perhaps I think too much.

and now

Time to switch off the thinking part of my brain. And just enjoy life for the next 3 weeks :D

Holidayssssssss

Sembreak. Now gonna start scrapping that holiday to do list.


P/s: Guess I've stopped blogging that frequent eh. Planning to change the layout and make this an official photography blog.

3rd time's the charm?

A blink of an eye and i'm coming to a close of my 3rd sem. Time sure flies faster this time around. Anyways, here we go,

Finals. 

Thank God my course work marks is better than expected. :D

Reality hits

My heart sank when I saw what I saw. Literally. I was busy that night, but seeing what I saw, I just stopped everything and sat down, looking at the monitor screen, at lost. I've never felt this way for a very long long time. 

But turns out, it was unreal. How ironic it is that the events of unreal actually hits you with reality. Guess from now on, I shall take this a little more seriously. I still believe in right timing, taking things slow blah blah, but from now on, I would take hold of any opportunity I can get. I am, as my own self, unwilling to give up without a fight.

anyways.

Enough of that jiwang ish post. Last weekend went for Nottingham Ultimate Open. I was in the main team(considering they only sent one team) for the 1st time in my life. However, I did not perform to my expectations. I could've done so much better, so much more, and less of those simple dumb mistakes. But I did not. I would not give myself the excuse that I was 'off form'. That's bullshit. I should be better than that.

Due to me, unable to outrun my markers, unable to catch up with my markers, made simple throw mistakes, bad decisions, and as well, no pivots. I think I have to really work on that. I did do some good passes, but then that should already be a norm. Not to set high expectations, but I did improved abit. Now I am stuck. Guess I have pump in again twice the effort to move up this barrier. 

Still, it was a good game. Did not reached our aim of top 3 thou. Instead we ended up at 9th placing, or winner in looser pool. Pics credit to the photographers(dont know who they are). 

The team

Disc Catching!

When bad became worse

Been a tough week. Really. I know I told myself not to complain cause some others might got it worse than me, but I guess I am near my limits.

4days of 7 tests and 2 assignments. It is literally a fun deprived week. And the pressure of upcoming competition lingering. It is maddening. Then, tonight. Bah, I don't even wanna speak about it.

Still, stay strong. Keep it together and frigging move on. This is what the world expect all the unlucky others to do anyway.

When I was a kid

I would wonder sometimes, what would it be like to receive a phone call from God. What would he tell me, what would we talk about, what he will reveal to me, and on and on. Naive indeed. Yet, even after so many years, I still wonder sometimes, what would it be like if I receive a phone call from Him.

But then, the thing is, even there isn't a direct phone line from heaven to earth, God still uses other means to communicate to us. Personally, today, my prayer was answered. Again. 

and now, I shall believe.

There comes a time

that one has to learn to set apart feelings and logic.

And for me, the time would be now. I am always affected by my feelings. I know it's stupid, but one person can literally make or break my day. I tried to not let this get to me, but sometimes it will. One does not simply control their feelings. Everyone is different, and i guess for my case, I'm just a little more sensitive.

My February has been one of accomplishments, troubles and also a very emotional month for me. It's been filled with ups and downs, and some part of it it is quite challenging. However, towards the end of feb, things did lighten up.

Ended my February with a trip to KK with fellow stingrays. The main reason i went there was to visit KK, and in the mean time joined the Borneo Head Hunters. Luckily did improved abit this time around and wasn't a burden to the team. Heck I even achieved more than I expected. My main goal was to do good passes and minimize disc drops. Although I did just moderately in those two aspects, I also managed to get a score and an assists.

Photo credits to Erwin. Which is the MVP of the entire hat tourney.

It was the 1st score of my life in a competition. What's more, it's a 1st score of my team in the game. I will never forget that.

and yep. I'm in the pink team. = =.

and now, Marching on.

It got me thinking

that perhaps,

Life does not called us to finish the race 1st.

Life simply want us to finish the race,

and enjoy every single bit of the journey.

At our own pace.

I should stop worrying then.

Got jolted up by a nightmare, not that scary, just that it felt very real to me. Now have to find a way back to sleep.

Anyway, about my 2011

 Super late. Oh well doubt anyone is gonna be reading nways. I'll just write so I can view back another time.

So, 2011. I started out this year declaring to myself that this is gonna be my an awesome year. Still however, my year didn't start out quite well. I was in a dire situation. I flunked my STPM, and that was just half of my problem. I have no direction with life, totally dependent on parents, and no idea what I plan to do in the future. 

Long story short, on April Fool, Jason rang me up and say my result is qualified for degree. Thought it was a prank initially. lol. Then went down to nilai during weekend and voila. I got into INTI nilai. With zero hiccups.

The start of my uni life also meant a literally Chapter 2 in my life. I will be leaving home and to a place full of strangers. Seriously, When I went to INTI  I only know 1 guy there, guess who. Things however, improved as I went along. And by the end of the year, INTI is like a second home already.

Over this year there are many firsts,

driving over 200miles one shot

time almost forgetting my birthday

time presenting to a ceo

time flicking

time getting paid for doing what i love

time getting an award for my passion

my very 1st jersey

and so on.

I would say taking the option of going to a place where I am almost alone wasn't a mistake. I was given the opportunity to discover what I really love and hate, and the opportunity to be a new person without the ties of the past.

A short photo montage of the year.

 

I actually participated in sports for real for once. And It's Ultimate Frisbee. Due to my bad stamina and not athletic lifestyle, it took me quite a long time to pick up this game. Still, a long journey to go to fully master it. 

Got to know some awesome people as well through the game. Things they do really reminded me of high school days.

And thank you to those who took this pic with me. As a person with a camera, I tend to be out of shot a lot. And weirdly, I find myself camera shy at most times. Again, thanks for this picture ;)

Also, as life goes, there are times you felt you nearly got something, or found. And just at the last second as your heart skips a beat, it slips off your hand.

Of course, there are those down times as well. Time where we lost, fear and teared. When things slipped off our fingers or lost into the abyss taking our hopes and dreams along with it. Times, where I am reminded of how fragile humans are, and times where I learned to depend on God.

And among the pain and problems, we can always choose to give a laugh to the world. Shrug off the defeat and take it in, and never repeat the mistakes that made up those scars. There is so much in life worth laughing and smiling about, it's just a waste to dwell in sadness. Mourn for the lost dreams and pray for the greater others.

Without a doubt. This year had brought my dependency to God on a whole new level, as well as my relationship with Him. I find myself committing more and more to God, letting goes and just 'Let it be'. As one said, Que Sera Sera.

Love Never Fails. I will always hold this quote to heart after 2011.

For the moment and the near future perhaps, I suppose my relationship status would be as the picture above. There will always a lingering desire in me to find a partner where I could share my memories and moments with. But the desire just got a little lesser as the year progress. I will always be in love with the idea of being in love, just that right now, perhaps life wants my attention to be else where.

That's pretty much about it I guess. And this is it, a whole new year ahead. Quoted from a pastor, Best is now, Better is to come. And I know, much more better is coming my way.

"Make mistakes... fight, love...Live" - The Three Musketeers.

The women

Hundreds of dewdrops to greet the dawn,
Hundreds of bees in the purple clover,
Hundreds of butterflies on the lawn,
But only one mother the wide world over.
-George Cooper

Thank you. And Happy Birthday Mom.

Anyway

Through the strong winds and rough seas, I still believe.

That somewhere out there, there is still this person who is called the right one. 

Thought of writing this out when I was scrolling through silhouette pics on deviantart.

It's the Chainese New Year

Happy Eating too.

Just got back my Internet. Past few days been an internet black out. Line is super slow.

Assumption

can be inaccurate sometimes.

Assumed nothing much will be going on this 2 weeks but turns out almost everything happened in this 2 weeks. Regret not bringing camera to INTI. = =

Oh wells.

Finally rained at 3.++ am. After 2 miserable hot days. Scumbag weather rains the night before of my 8am class.

The thing is

remember I blogged about taking the plunge months ago? 

Well

Nuff said.

Step 1 in the midst of 366 pages

Eat healthily.

Yes, shocking isn't for a person who lives to eat.

Still, after much thought over the sem break, I do realize my habits now, many would have an accumulated effect in the future.

Of course I am well aware all along that my eating habit right now surely won't really give me a positive health sheet 10 years down the road. But it's time I have to take matters into hand. So, here's for the future, making commitment to start eating vege. For the people that I am gonna meet, for the job that I have to answer and for the family that I am going to have.

I think too far some of you may say, but then, kinda think of it, isn't all that I stated is what are we gonna face within 5 years? Pursuing a dream job or building a career, settling down and perhaps even taking care of parents. So yes, I am just plainly stating all of which would happen to us. Maybe not 5 years but definitely somehow. 

Of course I could not guarantee that I would keep a perfect or good record, but things like this needs time. I need time. A habit is called a habit for a reason, and some changes are just not made overnight. It is however, as said, a commitment. So, fingers crossed and hope by coming Christmas, greens are part of my daily diet.

Been writing about my 2011. But internet speed is too slow for me to upload the pics. So have to put on hold for the moment.

Oh and about 2012. Sod off. I still want to live.

So, 2012

Some say last  Christmas was our last, Some say see you in 2013, All we know is, it's 2012. Still, as per usual, life goes on.

The perks of my generation, we can travel the world in our home.

Started out my new year attending church since it's Sunday. Actually struggled to stay awake through the sermon since I barely slept the night before.lol. Was just expecting a normal church service,lunch,home,nap routine, but then ended up in the new Riverside hotel grand ball room and laser tag with church friends. 

The people!

1st time 2nd place. Shoot and kill.. MUAHAHAHAHAHA

Was wanting to post about 2011. Seriously what a year. But heck, lazy.