Holidays

gives me time and space to put things into perspective. Time to collect my self and resume walking the walk of life. I've moved on. Quite literally. 

A true friend

is one who will go with you to a field in the middle of the night and have a beer and just talk crap on one of those days where you have truly given up on believing.

Sincerely. Thank you so much.

Swept by High Seas

Dear love on the high seas, drift away and be swept away by the winds and tides.
May the force of the seas bring you to friendly shores, May you find joy in the islands you visit.
But don't return, leave and never come back, not even a glace to this past
Drift away and be swept away by the winds and tides, like a bottle carrying a message
But remember my deeds, remember the man I tried and failed to be.
For I as young and as foolish as I were, I tried my best bitterly not good enough
My best will be better, the man I am now will be shadowed by who I will one day become
So, I bid you farewell, you're just a chapter, a meant to be but never was
Twas a many great weeks of my life sharing and just talking
One I will hold on to in the coming many cold nights and harsh days
but I bid you farewell, for you're just a chapter, never was but meant to be
Our eyes will never meet again for you're a poison which I desire but could never drink
Dear love, remember my deeds and the man I failed but tried pathetically to be
Perhaps someday, in a land far far away from this shore, I'll hear of your tale
But please, have a man who is far better than who I am,
For the prettiest of pearls only deserves the prettiest of maidens.

Sometimes

I am just very tired with life. Sometimes.

Mixed Signals = Mixed Feelings

Please send them loud and fucking clear next time. Kthxbai.

Sons of the moon

They're rather sentimental aren't they. And they hold on to things.

Back to my assignments I shall.

Oldies.

Been rather into oldies just today thanks to a cover did by a friend and spotify. Haha. But really, listening to oldies does not actually helps in lifting up the mood. Sigh. Been rather down recently due to unforeseen circumstances.

P/s: I love how she makes me feel, like anything's possible, or like life is worth it.

It reached a time

where you just got enough of dwelling in helplessness that you will decide to do something about it. I'll stop thinking about it. The night is darkest before dawn, and i've seen far worst. I'm blessed in so many ways that living without this is totally acceptable. And these are my last words of summer. I had enough, and I stopped believing.

Home

Nothing beats the comfort of home. It has been a rather not so good month, and I dont really wanna talk about it. Just let me be missing in action for the moment now.

Mourn

There are many reasons why we mourn.

I mourn, because she left us prematurely. Because I don't want to see another person I cared about to leave us on a cold hospital bed and a lonely hospital room. It's not fair that she have to go, she still so much more to experience in life. So much more to live for, so much more to see. So much more love to give and receive. Dear Aunt, family gatherings will have much less laughters now. I'll say it for one last time, you'll be sorely missed.

I also mourn, because it never hits me how disturbed I am when I finally got to know that this door is closed. Perhaps it's for the good, where I could move on and not linger on the pretense of false hope. But I'll stand by this, no matter what I said, you are perfect, and I really hoped we could be more than whatever we are now. But I guess I am not good enough, and perhaps he is someone better.

It has been a very mentally straining half a month. And I can't show any sign of fatigue or breakdown. It's tiring to be strong at the front at all times. This has been the suckiest month by far. I just wanna get this month over with now. Too much grief there is.

I guess the only uplifting part is I get to go on a short holiday tomorrow. To this orang asli camp and get my mind off things.

you know

back then I loved you so. So much so that some nights I still miss those bittersweet moments. Just tracing my steps, I grew well passed that and you.

The beginning

Been very into time lapse photography for some time now. Perhaps I should do something about it.

As for me

This is a post about me tracing back to the awareness of politics. It is just something personal about me. So yeah.


well, I'll have to start from the very top. I was 1st introduced to politics when I was studying history back when I was in high school, where we touched on UMNO, MCA, Barisan National and so on. Kinda think of it, funny how that our text book never thought us about the forming of DAP and PAS or maybe it was just me not paying attention in class.

Back then, I was a strong supporter of the ruling government. I look highly on Dr.M, seeing him as the man who modernized our nation, the man who improved our living conditions, the man, who above all else, put our little country on the map. And there was proof everywhere, the twin towers, the north south highway, Putrajaya, Cyberjaya, those adverts on tv, all of them portraying how great this country is. But funny thing is, no matter how hazy it seems, i do remember a few important details, like the scene of Anwar getting sent to jail, I have no idea why I never really forget that, I only remember my mom told me who he was and that's it, no frank idea how he made an impression on me. Then I remember seeing Dr.M suddenly announcing his retirement, he wept on the pulpit with people pleading him not to.

But other than that, most of the time I take an ignorant stance in this matter. I was like 'Hey, it's not really affecting me anyways, so why bother?' My parents never really talked to me about it either. My 1st time knowing there was such a thing called a general election was during 2004. I was form 1. I did not really bother about it back then, I heard about MCA and that's it. I do know about our new PM back then, Badawi, and praises was sang about him by my elders saying how inspiring he is quoting from him "Work with me, not for me". It was a first time our country have a new PM in decades. Still, I stood by the ruling government, patronizing them, holding them as the moral high ground. In my mind, I am doing my job as a good citizen. Also, I was introduced to the term corruption and how he is actively trying to clear it out of the government.

Then came 2008. This time, I am quite clear on what's going on, well at least I want to think so. I know about the opposition, DAP PAS PKR. PKR specially, with Anwar claiming he can take over the government and of sorts, and even him claiming that he have contacts from BN ppl willing jump over to his side. And also him trying to initiate a vote of no confidence against that time's PM, Badawi. He made a lot of noise, so much so that I actually noticed him. You have to understand 1 thing, back then I'm still very oblivious about my country, news is a bore to me and I could care less, so it is either major disasters that caught my attention or something big. So now, Anwar, I remember him from when I was a kid, he caught my attention. Yet, I see him as a villian trying to disturb the peace, trying to ruthlessly take over the government. And when they initiated attacks on Dr.M in my mind I took Dr.M's side, in my mind, how can this man, the father of modernization of my country, the man who put this little country on the world map, be charged of anything? I was still naive.

After election, it seems it was a game changer this time, Penang fell to the opposition, and BN no longer hold 2/3 majority. I did not know it mattered back then. I also know that Perak fell to opposition for the 1st time. I was pretty okay with that, or I was just ignorant. My elders applaud however, saying that it's something new, and I was happy, simply just because they are. Then, something angered me. I start reading about how Perak was taken back by BN, how unjust it was and what tricks was used. It was an open secret. No action was taken against those who are involved, even the Sultan approved this due to some circumstances(many many senstive information to be explained I assume). I was angry, the government that I hold highly, actually did this. For the 1st time, I've witnessed corruption in broad day light. On news, On tv, it was a joke, even to the whole world. I was sad, angry even on how can such injustice be tolerated. Let alone tolerated, nothing was even carried out, no investigation. Nothing. It was the 1st time, I felt disappointment at this country. Then came our new PM, his reputation was already tainted for you-know-what reasons. Point blankly, I lost faith in the current government.

After 2008, my curiosity increased, I realized I need to know more. And I so I did, I started to see the news, and read the newspapers. Yet I realized something, this is not right, all the news is telling my country is doing ok. It doesn't seem normal to me. So I went online. I was forced when I 1st entered university, since there was no actual newspapers to read(i was lazy to walk to the library). It opened my eyes. I learned the depth of corruption in my country, the deficit our country is suffering which struck fear even to me. I learned about the inequalities of student distribution in universities and scholarships when I was form 5 and form 6. All this, unfairness, injustice. My country, is not doing okay. Then when there was riots and rebellion in the middle east, I realized that our government is somehow manipulating our local media from here and there during this period. And I since then, boycotted it, most of it. I could not trust the local media anymore, and I followed my online sources instead.

And by them time 2013 came, I've fully realized that there needs to be change. The amount of corruption and elitism by this government does not represent a healthy democracy neither it is good for this country and it's rakyat.

And this is my journey of awareness in politics. Awkwardly, it is BN very own actions that made me aware of this subject.

The middle

Actually more like 3 quarters. Time sure fly fast.

Anyways, sometimes I wonder are we in a generation of failed "sustainers". I just felt that almost around me, people at my neighboring generation in fact is trying to rebuild or start from scratch, recapturing the formal glory. |

But perhaps, I am thinking this negatively, perhaps it is a chance to start all over again. A chance to start something all together new. One, that would represent our own generation.

Perhaps, still. It's just perhaps.

What if one day

I woke up realizing I want an alternate ending to my dreams?

one of those days

where nothing all that monumental happens, but by the end of it you have no idea who you are or what the hell you are doing with your life.

How deep indeed.

and how vast beyond all measure.

And yet again this 'Yes' is a yes too big to yes to. Am I really prepared for it? The complications? The dealings with people? The grounds I have to stand for. Is this it?

孤

这单身,孤军作战的人生时而非常累人.时而吧.也许我的时候还没有到来,但喜欢她那像个天仙又怎样,轮也不轮到我,别傻了!

of Life, of Love, of Tears

Faith is not a fire
As much as it's a glow
A quiet lovely burning
Underneath the snow
And it's not too much
It's just enough to give me hope
Cause love moves slow
Love moves slow

I've been resume this book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" gave by a friend on my birthday. I stopped half way nearly 5 years ago lol. Well it's not like I am actively involved in dating or anything, but I decided that I just wanna take this next step of life the right way. Truth to be told, there are of course like any normal 22 year old bachelor man,  people that I am interested in, even as far as people that I will picture to have a future with. But there is a doubt, ever present. Questions which I always asks myself, I do not know her well enough yet, What if things change, What if, most crucially, I changed?

Let me explain my personal "Phone Acquiring Plan theory". It may not apply to most people cause It is based on my experience.

It starts with this magnificent, awesome, phone that is released to the public. Usually, top of the line. A phone that will really capture my imagination as the ideal phone. Right with the palm, easy on the eyes also works like a charm.

I will then initiate a master plan to acquire a phone, when I mean master I do really mean a series of smaller plans and goals where the end game is me being able to procure the phone. Sounds a little crazy I know. It usually involves saving money(duh), choosing the right time to get it, reading reviews about it, follow up on it's progress, but most of all badgering my parents to let me have it.

I am usually monumentally patient about this process. I recently got a new phone, I waited an estimated 1 year to get it. Well 1st of it's because I could not find the right phone, then when I heard news about it, I waited patiently for it's release. Long story short, there will be a period where I am getting closer to get my phone, like it is a sure thing already, all that is left is going to the shop, making payments and walking away with it. The period leading up to the moment where I will be the new owner of a phone which I've desired, dreamed and day dreamed about.

Yet, moments leading up to it, there is doubt. Doubt, whether did I make the right choice? Doubt that whether will this risk taking pay off? Doubt, will my taste change and I find my new phone annoying instead of desirable. Sounds a bit too dramatic for just buying a phone, but not so for me. This situation is real, and it happened. Reason being when I get a phone, I will want to stick to it for years ahead, for the long run, hence I will always want something timeless, not trendy, but timeless.

Now this, same goes to me finding that very cliche-ed, very Hollywood-ed mindset driven called "Mrs-Right". But I am a person driven more by emotions than rational thinking. If I say emotions made me run the extra mile, taking the extra mile is an understatement. Emotions make me scale mountains, row through seas and running into the mouth of the storm, that's the scale of the extra mile. And this is ironically my Achilles heel.

Which is where, even my most sophisticated plan that I erected will still be all for nothing in this matter. Yet this book revealed to me that patience, is always the key. Most of our impatience, our lust rises from today's fast paced society where it focuses on getting what we want fast and if possible instantly. And we brought this mentality in finding our life partner. We want to engage intimately, enjoying the perks of intimacy. Still, that is just the tip of the iceberg. Anyhow, I will stop here, it is getting boring already with so many words.


Still, I am just retreating to my thoughts. I am trying to sort things out. And I am trying to let my better judgement take the lead this time.

And it's true

It is the little things that make life worth living.

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. March 6th was a Wednesday"

Yet, we as humans, knowing time lost are time we're never getting back, will never fail to try to make the best out of it. And it is giving thanks on to the little things that happens are make those days in between, well, nice.

Personally, I just wanna thank God that I can thank God.

I guess

Seems like there is no escaping. So I said yes, and agreed to take on all the responsibilities and worries that comes with it. Perhaps it will be a smooth breeze or i'm in for sleepless nights. But yeah, that's something happening anyways, i'll not complain about it.

I just came back from campus camp, and it is truly rewarding. Pastor Dave explained to me the parable of the talents which clears up the air.

Still, there is the need to let go. I'm still stuck, not in a I can't let go of her way, but i am still holding on to principles and ideal logy that will not bode well in the long run. Anyway, this is it, back to basics, i think.

And I am just tired of life sometimes. Sometimes I just wanna escape from all this, studies, future, occupation, planning, just run away to some place and chill, zone out, or maybe even sleep. Bah, just thinking out loud.

Yes.No?

I know I am back on 'yes man' mode. But this yes, is just a yes too big to yes to. Oh my conscious please go easy on me for this once.

A little ways down the road

I'm at a phase of life where it will be labelled as 'a little ways down the road'.

Right now, I am sincerely in a situation where I have no idea what to do or what decision to take. I just have zero take on it. And it shall be shelved again, till when the weather permits and I shall resume my book.

Of all these things

the ups and downs, one thing that brought me the heaviest of griefs, is watching my parents grow old. And it is more profound since I am not seeing them daily.

Kids, never think a single child is fun. You have no idea what it is like.

Sometimes

I just feel so small and so unqualified for so many things.

Insanity

sometimes a little of it makes life interesting.

and in the midst of doubts

and fear, perhaps it is time to live a little.

Time to be that yes man again shall I? Think I should.

I missed it

somehow. So many years, so many moments, and i just did not come to realize it until it was too late.

It's troubling, seeing how blinded I was by the unnecessary. It's saddening, that I did not take the opportunity. And whats more frustrating is that I am drawn to a dead vineyard that after so much plowing and waiting, it never bear fruit. If only time can be turned back, things might be so different right now. Maybe yes maybe no. Perhaps it is for the best.

It's puzzling anyway, what i just written, but i just need to get it off my chest. Plus, anyone reading the story would not believe it as well, perhaps only the very few in the circle who already knew.

I was blinded, not by one but by 3 person over the period of 5 years. How can I be so blind where you were always there. Now we are so different that I start to doubt we ever met or ever be friends. The realization might had came too late, but perhaps this is just what it is suppose to happen. I'll make up for it, if our lives ever cross paths again.

Life of Pi

I actually went in to the cinema full of doubt that I will enjoy my time at all. But nonetheless, the movie made an impression on me. I would include it as one of best movie I've watched so far. And one movie that I will not hesitate to rewatch it again. It actually made me feel like reading the book now as well, oddly.
 
The movie was actually on better than average throughout, until at the last part when the japanese company interview him, it becomes great, who knows such a story can be told in a different perspective and challenging me on which to believe. That surprise was very unexpected and it gave the movie a much more darker side of the story, and it is primarily one of the reasons why I wanna watch it again.

I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye - Adult Pi Patel

New Year and

New,

Bridges
Opportunities
Resolution
Promises
Couples
Singles
People
and
Infinitely more.

Spent the last days of my 2012 celebrating the union of Sarah Jiayi & Ching Seng. The story of how they met, fell for and ultimately leading to that day deserves a 'Truestory' mark, specially for Ching Seng side. Won't go much into the details.

Then right after the new year went to Penang for ICF Leaders Retreat. It is refreshing and throughout the retreat it hits me over and over again where I am constantly doing a self evaluation and personal reflection on my principles and my the values I uphold. And to realize that I am so 'off' just leaves me troubled even as of now. This retreat is exactly what I needed to begin my 1st steps on hopping back on track.

And also, sem starts, like in a few days. GAHHHHHHH.

10,000

Reasons.

And here I am, after surviving 3 end of the world predictions(roughly I don't remember how many are there) and going to an island of bridge, food and beach.